The Secret Life of Humphrey Bogart: The Early Years (1899-1931) Review

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The Secret Life of Humphrey Bogart: The Early Years (1899-1931) ReviewPossibly the worst-written bio I've ever read, and the most unbelievable. Here's a quick run-down so you don't have to bother:
1) Everyone has slept with everyone else except for Bogart and Bette Davis. Everyone. No point in keeping score because they're all doing it.
2) Most surreal moment, hands down, is George O'Brien showing Bogie an intimate part of his anatomy (and probably not the one you're thinking of!) and then explaining how he keeps it so young-looking, and tasty.
3) Most interactions between people include long conversations which the author could not possibly have been privy to, including a lot of pillow talk. Draw your own conclusions.
4) The narrative is riddled with inconsistencies as small as an inability to decide whether Bogart's favorite meal was ham and eggs or bacon and eggs (and who really cares anyway?), and as large as one minute he likes a salty-talking babe and the next he finds her incredibly vulgar and off-putting.
5) Removed by reviewer so as not to offend anyone.
6) The single most cliche-ridden text I have ever had the misfortune to read.
7) The author manages to make real people, people like Marlene Dietrich, Joan Crawford and Douglas Fairbanks (Jr and Sr) seem like caricatures or pieces of wood...or both.
8) By page 400, any salacious thrills have descended to the level of "Please your mate" spam.
9) Bogart comes across very badly; if you're a big fan, skip this. There are only so many times he can be shocked by the goings-on before you start to want to give him a dime to buy a clue. At best, the author writes him like a teenage girl.
10) Every attempt at conveying a deeply emotional scene is hilariously inept.
I feel like I need a great big brush to clean out my brain, now. If I could give negative stars, this book would've earned a -5.
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